Sex, This issue

Couples: Unlocking the keys to female sexual intimacy

By Daniel Stein M.D., F.A.C.O.G

Does anyone have the perfect relationship? What defines the ideal relationship anyway? These are questions couples ask themselves everyday-especially when they realize that romance is no longer a focal point in their lives.

” Only eight percent [of married couples] have sex with their partners three or four times a week or more. The doctors describe this as ‘a significant public health problem.’ “

Many factors can chip away at a relationship that was once strong. Money is the first problem. Financial stress attacks not only our heads and pocketbooks, but our relationships as well. Another problem that plagues couples is poor communication. The word “communication” may sound cliché, but as I tell my patients every day, a couple that is unable to communicate as best friends, is like a couple that is unable to hold one another as lovers. However, of all the critical issues involved in “dry” relationships, the one that stands out is lack of intimacy the utter inability for couples to desire each other in a physical, passionate manner.

Despite what popular culture tells us, America is uncomfortable with discussing issues of intimacy. Sociologists Robert Michael, John Gagnon and Edward Laumen in the authoritative tome “Sex in America” state that we are “a society full of desires that fail to be realized.” There just isn’t as much sex taking place as people think there is. The most sexually active people are married couples and only 45 percent of them have sex a few times a month. One third has sex with their partner a few times a year or not at all. Only eight percent have sex with their partners three or four times a week or more. The doctors describe this as “a significant public health problem.”

Is it that we’re embarrassed to deal with intimacy, or is it simply too difficult of a subject to discuss? While we are bombarded by sex in day-to-day public life, many of us have trouble discussing it in private. Of course, doctors acknowledge the importance of sex, but they are only addressing one-half of the problem.

Fear lies in communication about often uncomfortable topics.Men shudder at the word “erectile dysfunction.” Indeed, this is a physical and psychological disorder that affects vast numbers of males, but fortunately, medications like Viagra® have provided assistance with the problem. Yet men are not the only ones affected by disorders of desire; women also face physical and emotional challenges that need to be addressed.

It’s a common notion that sexuality is pretty simple for men: a rise in hormonal testosterone, an erection and a release. For women, we’re often told it’s more complex, with other factorsinvolved, including emotions, perceptions, mood and sense of herself and her partner. However, evolution and science tell us this isn’t the whole truth. A woman’s sexuality is just as organized around her testosterone as her male counterpart’s. Testosterone ignites the fire of desire in a woman just like it does in a man. It is the very foundation of her ability to become sexually aroused.

When a man is sexually dysfunctional, it is difficult, if not impossible for him to perform during intercourse. This is not true for women a sexually dysfunctional woman can still engage in sex, even if she neither enjoys the rush of excitement or shared joy that come with the heat of passion. However, since “engage” is often the keyword when discussing sex, doctors and researchers have largely ignored women. And since there are still scores of people who believe that women do not experience physical orgasms as difficult as this may be to grasp we find ourselves at a medical crossroads.

When I founded the The Stein Women’s Center in 1979, I set out to change these preconceived notions about female sexuality. Experts estimate that more than 40 million women suffer from sexual challenges. According to some, at any one time almost half of all women are experiencing reduced desire, arousal or orgasmic ability. My research has determined that the stress and pressure of today’s society is turning sexual issues that used to be associated with menopausal women into common conditions affecting women in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Women today face a litany of factors that can deflate their intimate aspirations and  sexual desire: stress, hormone imbalance, relationship problems, lifestyle/career choices or physical conditions such as pregnancy, menopause or the use of prescription medicine like antidepressants (which can reduce desire and inhibit orgasm). The problem is that even though women are gaining more equality in society through increased career opportunities and professional respect, social values are still cemented in the Middle Ages. There are precious few routes for women to take when experiencing sexual problems because of society’s unwillingness to recognize female sexual dysfunctions. The first step to a solution is to understand that female sexual dysfunction is an actual physical disorder.

Doctors could determine the severity of hormone derived female sexual dysfunction by measuring a woman’s testosterone level if accurate tests are readily available. Women who bear low testosterone levels naturally experience a decreased sexual desire.

Unfortunately, contemporary testosterone tests were designed to measure male levels, which are roughly 10 times higher than females. As a result, testosterone tests are notoriously inaccurate and difficult to interpret. However, as a result of society’s discomfort at addressing female sexual issues at a physical level, too few women are given the option of using supplementary natural testosterone. This is true even when research is conducted over a period of several decades, indicating that women who are treated with testosterone replacement in balance with their other hormones achieve an optimal balance of sexual happiness and overall health. A happy and healthy sexual life with your partner is possible. If you are fortunate enough to be with someone you love, share as much of yourself as you can. It is the accumulated history we actively share that bonds us through difficult times of stress, illness and economic problems. But a shared history with a lover won’t necessarily keep the fires roaring, the passions surging and the hormones raging. Loving sexual intimacy is the vital connection between mind, body and spirit. Nourish it, and you can strengthen the bonds that reinforce relationship longevity and vibrance that doesn’t fade with time.