Departments, Family & Parenting

Sandwich Generation Survival

Tips for enduring the current economic climate
BY PHYLLIS GOLDBERG, PHD. AND ROSEMARY LICHTMAN, PH.D.

These are unprecedented times. With the breakdown of traditional financial institutions, the wildly fluctuating stock market and the trillion-dollar government bailout, Americans are confused about how to respond. Some people are in denial, not prepared to grasp the problems and potential consequences. Others are angry at what they see as awarding recklessness on Wall Street and by their neighbors. Still, others are in a panic about the gloomy economic forecast. These are all common emotional reactions to loss. And for Sandwich Generation Boomers many of whom are financially responsible for their growing children and aging parents they’re scared as they watch their dreams of a comfortable retirement disappear.

With individuals, families, our government and other countries leveraged now, it looks like the whole world has to adjust to a slow recovery. Credit card debt, amounting to 9000 billion dollars in our country, makes putting off present pleasures for future gains sound like a very good idea. Getting back to basics may be just what society needs. If you’re waiting for a rainbow after the huge storms we’ve been weathering, there are ways to make it happen.

Medical care companies report that mental health calls due to financial pressure have increased over 100 percent in the past several months. Early signs of distress sadness, irritability, lack of motivation and changes in sleeping or eating patterns can be subtle and easily missed in a busy family. However, as the economic turmoil continues, there can be a snowball effect. So, if you or any family member is having emotional symptoms, add some of the following 10 healthy strategies to your bag of tricks.

TAKE A PULSE OF THE SITUATION without putting your head in the sand or overreacting. Pay close attention to what’s going on around you. Yet avoid getting caught up in a pessimistic mindset, which can result in higher levels of anxiety and poor decision-making. Try to remain calm and stay focused on what you need to do for your specific financial situation.

BE REALISTIC AND FACE THE FACTS. If you’re not already, live a simpler life within your means. Focus your efforts, because living your convictions is harder than just making the decision to change. Be accountable for your financial goals and create a concrete spending plan. You don’t have to panic, just begin to take small steps and smart steps toward your goals. Learn how to have fun without spending money frivolously. This is a great time to advise your growing children and elderly parents of the same. Inviting friends over to play cards, checking out a book or movies from the public library, catching up with friends on a walk, or taking your family to the park are all great ways to entertain without overspending.

BECOME PROACTIVE BY IDENTIFYING YOUR FINANCIAL STRESSORS AND MAKE A PLAN. Write down specific means by which you and your family can reduce expenses or manage your money more efficiently. Although putting it down on paper can be worrisome in the short term, committing to a concrete plan will gradually reduce your stress.

RECOGNIZE HOW YOU DEAL WITH TENSION RELATED TO MONEY. Avoid unhealthy activities like smoking, drinking, gambling or emotional eating. Financial pressure can bring about more conflict and arguments in relationships. If any of these behaviors are causing problems for you, find healthier approaches to deal with your anxiety and stress.

Ours is largely a culture of impulsive recreational shopping. Do mindful shopping and take advantage of the opportunities ahead.

GET TO KNOW THE SUBCONSCIOUS MONEY SCRIPT THAT YOU LEARNED IN CHILDHOOD FROM YOUR PARENTS. If your family was extremely frugal, you may follow their example and have the same fiscal habits. Or, having felt deprived, maybe you go in the opposite direction and spend with abandon. Understanding the dynamics of how you spend and why, will free you up to explore new money management options.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. Times like this, while difficult, can offer opportunities for much needed change. Try taking a walk to clear your head-it’s an inexpensive way to get exercise and be more fit. Having dinner at home will not only save money, but bring your family closer together. Advise your grown children to take a good look at their professional status and goals, as well as their unnecessary expenses. Through low-cost  resources in your community, they can learn a new skill that can lead to a better job or take a course for advancement in their current position. The same can apply to you. Perhaps this is a time to invest in your executive MBA. Many universities and colleges are offering extraordinary, affordable programs for advancement. The key is to use this time to consider new ways of managing your life.

TURN CALAMITY INTO CATHARSIS. Pull back on frivolous spending and strategize in order to reach your goals. Maybe it’s time for you to sit your child and elderly parents down and analyze their current needs as well. Make it “OK” to put off unnecessary spending so that you, and they, can have a better life later. Investing in a home for your children or downsizing for your elderly parents may be just the right time now. Put some money, no matter how little, into personal savings every month or pay off your credit card debt. As you make sacrifices, keep focused on your values, like restraint, accountability, self-reliance, hard work and determination.

STAY CENTERED ABOUT WHAT YOU PLAN TO BUY, WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD AND WHAT REALLY MATTERS TO YOU. Ours is largely a culture of impulsive recreational shopping. Do mindful shopping and take advantage of the opportunities ahead. Analyze what is available to you now and what makes sense. Remember that despite the pessimistic outlook, there are in fact, good opportunities available to people with some money to spend. To begin the transition to mindful shopping, make a list of the items you plan to purchase. Then decide how important each one is and, if it’s not that necessary, let it go. Continue to differentiate between what you want and what you need.

ALTER YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE LONG RUN.Appreciate the changes you are making now for your future well-being. You may have to work longer than you expected if you are nearing retirement. Research indicates that if you enjoy your work, there is added value in the stimulation, engagement and camaraderie it provides. Let off steam and reduce stress by discovering low cost fitness through gardening or scaling steps.

GET PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT. Credit counseling and financial planning can teach you how to take control of your money situation. If you continue to feel frustrated, scared or overwhelmed, talk with a professional. A therapist or coach can help you understand the feelings behind your financial worries and show you adaptive techniques to manage your emotions.

Yes, retirement funds are in jeopardy. And Sandwich Generation Boomers are wondering how they will pay college tuition for their children, help their parents on a fixed income and ever be able to retire themselves. But while you can’t always control what happens, you can control how you deal with it. Your response to the financial crisis depends largely on your interpretation. The sense you make of it all is called “reframing.” And here you do have a choice: either to imagine that circumstances will never change or that you can find a silver lining within the dark clouds.

Despite all the anxiety and panic, you can avoid a knee jerk reaction. Instead of an automatic response, think about what is driving your fear before reacting. If you’re concerned about the impact on your family, remind  yourself that families can grow stronger when they weather challenges together. By acknowledging the feeling and thoughts you have, and gently redirecting your attention to the positive, you can decrease the stress you are experiencing. And when you’re not feeling so defeated, you will make choices that will better maximize the opportunities ahead.

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of HermentorCenter.com, a Web site for midlife women and NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about how to heal the pain in family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their Web site. Their articles appear often on the popular Web site, VibrantNation.com. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.